Gift Buying

[Aladinsaneuk]

This weeks offering...... DON'T LET THE WIFE READ THIS ONE.....

After several years of monogamy, (I would love to have an affair or two, but Olf Fiery Breath has informed me that testicles are necessary, and such activity would lead to them filing for divorce), I have developed a few pointers on buying gifts for the dearest person in your heart.



Now note I said Dearest - I don't mean the person you love, I meant Dearest as in meaning your credit card is going to get a major slapping.



First off - just accept that you have no taste, and are fundamentally colour blind. This will help you in the long run greatly, and will ensure that you will be ridiculed at the next coven for other reasons rather than your penis size / body odour / bad dentition etc.



So - how does a chap get round this when it comes to buying clothes for your dearly beloved?

First off think what you are going to buy.



Underwear is a no no. Where as the girlies are allowed to go out and spend a hundred bucks on a matching pair of panties and bra, made of exclusive silk with lace bits etc, if you try it, you will get one of two responses



either "You just view me as a sex object and treat me with no respect"



or "Are you telling me that my underwear is old?"

(For god's sake don't say yes... if you do, she will be off too Victoria's Secrets like a mad shopping fiend...)



Add to this - you have to buy it. Now for a chap to buy ladies underwear is a dodgy subject. You are going to enter into a shop, that is generally full of pink decor, has no mens room and is seemingly staffed by bints who are tiny and perfectly made up. (Don't crack on to them - one misplaced chat up line and they will give you that stare - the one that all women have in their arsenal of withering contemptive looks).



So, being an idiot you wander in and look hopelessly out of place. After several minutes of looking like a startled deer in the hunters flashlight, one of the trolley dollies will take pity on you, stop her conversation with her coven mates and wander over.



She will ask what you want, and this is where it gets sticky. You can either be bold, and announce it in a loud voice, or you can try and be subtle. Either way, she is going to make you squirm.



Natuarally enough, you do not know your ladies size - when they ask what bust, don't hold out a cupped hand and say - about this size.... we may view them as fun bags, but to ladies they are a feminist statement of inner beauty.

(Or what ever other bollocks statement Cosmo has come out with this month).



If you have been a little clever, you will have researched this issue by carefully examining your partners underwear. Try to do this in the secrecy of your own home - doing it on a clothes line in the back yard generally leads to you being labelled a sick pervo by all your female neighbours.

Now here is where you get a little clever, and will make some brownie points for the happy day when she opens the gift.



BUY A SIZE SMALLER and keep the receipt.



To the femine mind, being a size xx is ok - but being size x is so much better.... and they will think that you think the are still the same size as when you first met and are obviously still besotted with them as a person and not as a sex object.



***



Shoes are a good bet - it would appear that many girlies are budding Imelda Marcos', and they like shoes. Yes I know that if a chap is interested in a girl because of her shoes then either she is so ugly that the trotter covers are here only redeeming feature, or you have a shoe fetish. (In which case buy two pairs - one size too fit her, and one size too fit you).



Now buying shoes to a girlie is a bit like the search for the holy grail - it is a long quest. Therefore, be aware that the gift is not just the shoes, but will involve a day trekking the shopping mall, and will include every shop there...



***



So what else to buy.... well jewellery is always a lady pleaser.

But not cheap shit - oh no, never cheap shit.

(They can be happy as larry with a set of 10 buck ear rings because they are the right colour etc, but you try it and you will suffer - trust me on this).



So - how do you avoid spending a lot, and still getting success? Simple, Plan ahead



Start about 6 months before the intended date - just say how you do not like this modern jewellery, as it is not classic, or looks tacky etc, and praise up some of the older styles. Point out how elegant victoriana is.... The sheer simplicity of the 50's and so on.



With the seed set, you can then go onto the second part of the plan - research. Chat with her best friend to extract information about what your lady's favourite stone is.. see if she is looking for a specific piece.



Once you have that information, head to an upmarket jeweller, and browse through the stuff that matches what she wants, and place a deposit.



Get a hand written receipt, which details what you have paid the deposit for - ie, "classic amethyst ring" covers all sorts of things.



A week later, go back to the store and apologise profusely but things have changed and could you have your money back... and sorry, but I lost the receipt but here is the credit card I paid with. This should give you a nice receipt to keep in your wallet - trust me, it will be found.



Now head off to the local pawnbrokers, and find something similar, but a lot cheaper. Buy it and spend a few bucks on a nice gift box - think on the reasoning - if the box it comes in is expensive, it infers that the contents are the same.....



***



But what if jewellry is out? What ever you do, do not buy a household appliance. Yes, it may be true that brides get married in white, as that is the colour of most domestic appliances, but don't get them a vacuum cleaner - trust me, for weak and feeble girlies who are unable to carry their own shopping in from the car, they sure as hell can swing a mean hoover when they want too.

(And that hurts - trust me, it REALLY hurts)



For some reason, ladies do not get excited about drills either - or routers, mechanised sanders or all those other interesting things that we chaps like. Same things go for new monitors, sound cards and so on - they have no taste it would appear.



Kitchen gadgets are good - so what if you do not ever have parmesan in the house, that single dedicated parmesan grater that was recommended by jamie oliver is just right.

(We have a draw of such things - and btw, those graters are great as files in the workshop)

Icecream makers are cool - she will insist on making wierd and exotic flavours - like just because you like Cranberry Juice, please bear in mind that we don't - and no, Beer ice cream is pointless - we would rather have a nice pint with an ice cube in it....



***



So - a few pointers for you chaps there. Please think on it, and plan ahead - then remember to look suitably joyful as you open the necktie that she bought that you will never wear....