The aftermath of a suicide

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fatboy
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The aftermath of a suicide

#1 Post by fatboy » Wed Nov 27, 2019 6:53 pm

A colleague and friend decided he could no longer cope,we were given the awful news today at work.
You cannot but ask yourself what more could we have done?
I knew he was struggling with work and life, one of the guys at work runs a blokes breakfast club at weekends for guys to talk about shit like this, Darren was told he would be more than welcome, sadly it seems he'd already decided..
I wish I could have done more, I wish I knew more, if only we talked more.
Be at peace now mate
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blinkey501
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#2 Post by blinkey501 » Thu Nov 28, 2019 3:38 pm

Unfortunately mental health is a very complex thing for which I have been through this myself so I understand what it feels like to be rock bottom.

Also at that point there's only two things that can happen. One is sad to say what your work colleague has done, and obviously the other you can soar.

But in order to soar you need to become self aware and in my opinion need someone to recognise the issue, and assist in helping you get better. In order to get better you have to admit you have a problem.

I have had problems for years for which I thought was normal. Until I found myself at work in London coming out with a lot of stuff to my work colleagues which they found to be very scary.

I also remember sitting on a wall between Xmas and new year after being asked out for a few drinks with a friend. On my way home I was sat on a wall crying and still didn't understand why.

I was very lucky to have a manager who was trained to recognise what I was going through, and also without knowing was keeping a watchful eye on me with another manager.

Tarmac is a good company who has what they call employee assistance programme. I was very fortunate to get the help that I desperately needed.

I really am sorry for the loss of your work colleague and understand of the impact it will have had on you all as a team. It certainly has affected you as you have decided to write about it.

You also have to realise that there is schemes at work called mates in mind due to the amount of men within industry commiting suicide. Please also understand if you feel remorse for not being able to help your friend although harsh don't. You didn't understand what was going on a this point.

On a plus side there is a course which I can find out for you that helps employees which is a credited certificate. It's called being a mental first aider. You can potentially turn a negative situation into a positive one, and if your employer is prepared to pay for it then even better.

Please take care of yourself and those that work with you. If you need any advise I can try and help where I can.
Tolerance will be our undoing.

fatboy
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#3 Post by fatboy » Thu Nov 28, 2019 6:06 pm

Thanks for your wise words Jay, good to hear you are in a far better place now.
It is just so sad Darren had got himself into such a dark place and couldn't see a way out.
I will look at mental health courses, as the union rep it is something I need to do.
You stay soaring up there mate and thank God that you have good managers looking out for all you guys.
Bullying and harassment at work certainly did not help his head space,
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blinkey501
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#4 Post by blinkey501 » Thu Nov 28, 2019 8:58 pm

fatboy wrote:Thanks for your wise words Jay, good to hear you are in a far better place now.
It is just so sad Darren had got himself into such a dark place and couldn't see a way out.
I will look at mental health courses, as the union rep it is something I need to do.
You stay soaring up there mate and thank God that you have good managers looking out for all you guys.
Bullying and harassment at work certainly did not help his head space,
Bullying and harassment are illegal and could potentially lead to something far greater if the bullies get found out and are entangled in the suicide.

I take it was gang bullying?

It's a shame I didn't meet Darren as I could have helped him and changed his perspective.

I've learned a lot about psychology too. Being able to read people is a massive help.

I would advise anyone to learn psychology. Look at narcissism. Passive aggressiveness. Gaslighting. Psychopathy. Sociopaths. anxiety and also co-dependency.

Look on youtube for Lisa romano. She is absolutely brilliant and covers some of the topics I've spoken about.
Tolerance will be our undoing.

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#5 Post by BikerGran » Thu Nov 28, 2019 9:17 pm

Fatboy, I know something of how you feel. We had a lad who'd been in care come to lodge with us, he proudly told us he'd never stayed anywhere more than 6 month and 7 years later he had become almost part of the family. Then he met and married a woman a lot older than him, and moved away, and within 6 months it had all gone to ratshit and we heard that he had taken the hard way out.

We heard later that a number of people had tried to get him to contact us, but he told them all that we didn't have room for him, in fact he hadn't been in touch at all, and we would have had him back here if we'd known.

One thing I'll never forget is that although I felt he was like a son to me, I never told him I loved him because I knew that he was trying to rebuild a connection with his own family, and that what he wanted most of all was for his mother to love him.

You always wonder if things might have turned out different if you'd said this, done that, but there's no way of knowing, and if people choose not to be helped there's nothing that you or anyone can do.

I do believe that at least that troubled person is at peace now, and his troubles are over, it's those that are left behind that feel it.
The tragedy of old age is not that one is old, but that one is young.

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#6 Post by fatboy » Fri Nov 29, 2019 7:50 pm

Hi BG thanksfor the reply.
I'm not feeling guilty about this just really very sad,sad because on every level the employer failed in its duty of care, the policy of shut up,man up was really not the right answer. Work related issues were not the only factor but were significant, Darren carried some heavy baggage and work was a big part of it.
I spoke at length with Darren and I did not recognise that we were at danger levels, I am simply not trained....
Now I fight for policy change and no is not something I will accept , you will take responsibility for your profit motivated decisions you fuckers
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