I woke to a scream – my own scream
I had been having a lovely dream, involving the Olsen twins, a deserted lakeside Jacuzzi and beer being served on by Kylie Minogue wearing nothing but a smile.
The dream had been fractured by a sudden pain in my chest. I knew it was not a heart attack – Old Fiery Breath has been calling me a heartless bastard for so long I fear she may be right – but what had caused my sudden yelp of pain??
I cracked open an eyelid, and there she sat – smiling from ear to ear.
It scares me when she smiles – I know that if she is smiling, I am in trouble. Thinking fast I decided on the offensive – I may yet get lucky
“Why Good morning sugar – are you feeling well – refreshed and with no head ache?”
The smile stayed but there was a hint of a snarl creeping in….
“Forget it – I have to go to work, and I am having cereal for breakfast – so I don’t need to use your amorous intentions as an egg timer….”
“And in case you were wondering what made you scream, it was me – I saw a grey hair on your chest so I plucked it out…”
I am not hirsute – part of me believes that this proves I am further down from the trees than other men, but the down side has always been a distinct lack of body hair. I have never wanted the Burt Reynold’s chest wig look, but something more than the paltry smattering I do have would be good.
(How paltry – well, until my mid twenties I looked on my three chest hairs – Charles, Henry and Thomas as I called them, as old friends – I cherished them, and in an effort to make them reproduce I religiously checked every day to note any signs of them becoming Charlene, Henrietta or Thomasina and starting to breed…)
By thirty some things had changed – and though not respectable, things were getting better. Aged thirty eight – Old Fiery Breath was wantonly plucking them out, all because they were going grey.
GOING SODDING GREY!
What??
This was a major shock to my psyche. I had noticed this summer that I seemed to have some natural blonde highlights from the sun, and in certain lights these highlights were sort of steel coloured, but had thought nothing of it – though I was starting to consider colouring my hair a nice soft muted brown to embellish my own natural soft brown hair colour, but – chest hair going grey….
I looked at Old Fiery Breath – as I looked I knew I resembled a startled rabbit staring into the headlights of an onrushing truck.
The silence was palpable – then she grinned.
“I did only notice the one on your chest – I could not see any others – but maybe your pubes ….?”
Oh god… this was a nightmare. Puberty had been rough enough, with out growing old disgracefully grey.
Old Fiery Breath was enjoying herself now:
“And as you have always said, the hairs on your ball sack are the longest hairs on the human body – when ever I have plucked them out your eyes have watered…”
I hung my head in shame – I knew it was going to be a bad day – what had started off as an interesting little session chez Olsen twins was rapidly becoming a nightmare.
“Ooooo – stay like that – I can check to see if you have any bald spots….”
Stifling a sob I jumped out of bed and headed for the shower. Admittedly I did spend some time examining myself all over, looking for any other signs of grey. Somewhat relieved I dried off, put a dressing gown on and headed downstairs to watch Old Fiery Breath eat breakfast.
(Not a sight for the faint hearted either – full English with a side order of cholesterol).
Instead of my normal breakfast being ready for me – a pint pot of coffee and an Small waste receptacle, in my place was a thimble of some orange muck, and a bottle of multi vitamins…. I looked at it in silence and raised an inquisitive eyebrow to Old Fiery Breath who was reading a medical text book.
“Am just checking to see if you should be taking an aspirin at your age – and drink your orange juice – it’s good for you”.
I don’t do orange juice. Actually I don’t do any juice, with the possible exception of grape juice – and only then when it has been fermented properly.
I could see I was on to a loser here – something was up, and I was going to pay
“Ok my little nest of vipers – what gives with the sudden interest in my health?”
“Well, my own little balding avenger, I was thinking last night about starting a family…”
(Under my dressing gown Percy the Talking Penis started to pay attention and considered rearing his ugly head to have a good look around like a deranged Cyclops…)
The withering gaze ensured that he lay down very bloody fast….
“And I was reading this article in Cosmopolitan about old men and sperm motility – and I thought that if we were to start a family, we had better ensure that your sperm are fit and active… not wheezing around on Zimmer frames – so I thought to get you fit while we still can.”
I sat at the table stunned – my mind crowded with images of grey haired sperm using walking sticks and Zimmer frames…. This nightmare was getting worse. I was even more stunned as I started to light my breakfast and Old Fiery Breath’s trotter, sorry hand, shot out like a striking snake to knock the cigarette to the floor
“Smoking will make you look older – and will affect everything else as well”
“But… but….” I puttered “I did not know we were going to start a family… and if we do decide to start a family, then we will have to play “Mister Wobbly hides his helmet” a lot more….”
Old Fiery Breath stopped gnawing on the pig’s knuckle she had been chewing on, and fixed me with a steely gaze
“When I decide we are going to start a family, everything will be right so I will fall pregnant straight away with the minimum of hassle and failed attempts.”
Well – that said it all. I had been shocked to find out I was getting old, and then this little bombshell had landed.
“And you can forget about that car you wanted to buy – a porsche is not a suitable vehicle for a young baby. (I did think of asking her if she was going to get a baby seat for her broomstick, but I thought better of it). And while we are on it as well, you will have to stop playing golf – we can’t afford that as well as buying baby clothes and everything else that we will need.
“Hmmm Flower…. Babies take nine months to come out you know…”
“Yes – but during that nine months, I will need more clothes… and shoes… and accessories – and in my delicate condition you will have to come with me to carry everything I buy…”
“Oh – by the way – you had better start clearing out that junk from your study – I have decided it will make an ideal nursery”
I think I had a small speck of sentiment forming in each eye by this time – my world was imploding very fast.
We went and got dressed – her to go to work, me to go the local town to do some shopping.
I drove into the town quietly, musing on the sudden change that life had brought me.
I wandered into the store, and waited patiently to be served.
“What would you like sir”
“Erm – I need some of that hair stuff, that covers grey hair… it’s for a friend of mine – he thinks he may need it…”
I could hear my voice getting softer as the young girl behind the counter stared at me as she silently handed me a product
“And … uh… does this work on just head hair or does it work on any hair??”
She raised an eyebrow, and almost looked pityingly at me
“Anything else sir?”
“Yeah…. A large box of condoms please…”
Getting Older Every Day.....
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Aladinsaneuk
- Aprilia Admin
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My kids try to find the dark hairD-Rider wrote:Damn ... the kids pointed out a few grey ones on me the other day .... bigger problem is that there are not quite so many of any colour to point out anymore .... now that I'm 50.Gio wrote:Going grey at 38!!!!!!! I wish, I was 23
I guess this is one good thing about the crash helmet law !
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falcomunky
- SuperBike Racer
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With the helmet on I bet they notice the wrinkles round the eyes betterD-Rider wrote:Damn ... the kids pointed out a few grey ones on me the other day .... bigger problem is that there are not quite so many of any colour to point out anymore .... now that I'm 50.Gio wrote:Going grey at 38!!!!!!! I wish, I was 23
I guess this is one good thing about the crash helmet law !
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falcomunky
- SuperBike Racer
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- Joined: Wed Jan 03, 2007 8:29 pm
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).