smile....

[Aladinsaneuk]

this was scribbled for a competition i took part in... originally the site manager put it into the reviews section thinking it was a genuine HD review

enjoy

There are many different types of biker - from the corduroy wearing old boy who uses his 90cc honda step through to the kangaroo clad race replica fireblade rider. There are different sub cultures within each group - some prefer in line fours while others insist on V twins for example. (And the boys from bologna are out on their own with their L twins but never mind....)

BUT - there is a group who are right out there on their own - those that ride Harley-Davidsons, complete with the obligatory "Live to Ride" message and who have bought into that ethos. This year is the centenary of the HD 45 degree V Twin so perhaps it is time to consider why people would take a perfectly good dyke pump and put it into a motorbike.

Now I am not decrying the Hardly-Movingson as a motorcycle - it does, after all have two wheels and an engine, so it cannot be all bad, but lets understand a few simple things.
It was not designed for the average UK road - it was designed for the open freeways of the USA. It was designed to be ridden in good weather, often with some mysthical yellow shiny object in the sky called "the Sun"..... beetling around a B road near blundeston while it is raining is fairly low down on Milwaukee's intentions.... if it wasn't so low down, they may have fitted brakes, or tyres that actually grip in the wet.... and while we are on the subject of optional extras, perhaps Milwaukee would consider a suspension system once in a while - or do the bikes wallow in corners due to the (excessive) rider's weight?

Anyway, lets move on and consider the average Hog rider - and why the bloody hell would they want to consider themselves as riding a pig is beyond me - but I swear blind that wandering into an HD dealership and hearing the sound of banjo's would make me very nervous... "you're ma little piggy now, boy...."
The Hog riders come in two groups - certain HD riders wear patches, carry guns and go to the Bulldog Bash for light rivalry and murder, and those who believe the Milwaukee dream. I am leaving the first group alone as I am a wuss....

Now - the Milwaukee dream.... somewhere, probably in the states, an adman is rightfully sitting down, counting his money as he dreamt up the idea of the "Live to Ride" campaign.
I picture him, or her, out on the razzle with some friends, sipping on Jack D and smoking Marlboro to get into character for this new campaign that they had been commisioned to do. The group is listening to the Easy Rider sound track and throwing ideas around:

"Hey, maybe we can get this guy that Steppenwolf keep singing about to front the campaign - you know, Barneby Wilde?"

Sadly, they are unable to trace Mr Wilde so they move on to other ideas...

"How about that whole rebel thing - you know the young Marlon Brando sitting on that iconic bike..."

All were excited until someone pointed out that the bike was actually a triumph.....

Then our adman hit the money shot - I suspect that he was still getting into rebel culture and had helped himself to a Moroccan woodbine or two - but being american had probably not inhaled....

"LIke, man, folks you know have this whole image thing going on... you know like the bikes are big, and black and have lots of shiny stuff like chrome and things... and maybe that whole making the bike your own thing is what people dig, man....."

He paused to consider his next comment, absent mindedly laying out 3 rizla papers in a pattern....

as he continued to ruminate, the gratuitous female intern piped up:

"So like when we buy a new dress, we have to accessorise - all the little bits that make that dress us - we buy them and add them to our outfit ..."

(Anyone else got a mental image of assorted hairy arsed bikers shopping in Dorethy perkins for just that little something to make their leathers just right....)

"Then like, folk can individualise their bikes into what they think represents them.. so long as it is black and has tassles and... maybe branded with a logo...."


another voice spoke out:

"oooo thats well wicked man, but like what - the company brand is like too heavy, and its sort of a government capitalist thing - so why not some cool words - like ride to pose or live to ride?"

and so the legend was born - the whole weight of corporate america swung into action and the dream was sold - buy your genuine - sorry "Gen U Ine" dream bike and then accessorise it with all the branded stuff.

So folks go off and spend their large amount of cash on a genuine ditch pump, available in all colours but mainly black. Then they add the bits that they want, mainly in silver chrome or black leather, though folks do have the choice of large or small tassles on the leather.
Then they buy the leather jeans with Live to ride stamped in the arse, to be worn with their Sturgis Memorial Live to Ride leather vest and so on....

And the cost is unbelievable - a standard pair of leather jeans is £75 - throw a Gen U Ine hardley-Movingson logo on and add £100.

Lets face it, "Living to Ride" is damned expensive...

Lets look at our local Tractor Owners.
Nigel is a commodities security dealer for Norwich Union and is very well paid. In fact he is so well paid he rides a brand new fatbob lowslung fat arse sportster with no suspension. He works so hard, on friday afternoon he sets his office answer phone to on and starts to get ready to "mosey on down" to the swan for friday evening.

(His voicemail message is also entertaining: "Hi this is Nigel Darruthers. I am sorry i am in a meeting this afternoon. If you have a message please speak after the tone. If, However you are looking for the ToeCutter he will be riding out tonight - Live to Ride!)

Friday afternoon is spent with his secretary who is applying his stick on transfer tattoos - very important that you get those right - especially after young Andrews from accounts had used a permanent marker pen to spell FIST across the knuckles of one hand.
Straight from work its home to meet the wife - or, as she is now known - Mama. Smiling together they mount up and ride out, sunglasses glinting and neck bandanas waving jauntily in the breeze. Pausing only to stop at tescos for some milk for their nightime ovaltine - and yes, those tassled panniers are useful, they ride on across the acle straight, pushing the iron horse hard to a speed of nearly 60 miles per hour - in fact so hard they had to slow for the corner by the windmill!

By six thirty they are parked up with the rest of the chapter by the Swan - chatting and pretending to enjoy the cans of coke they drink as part of the american dream. They stand around ignoring all those silyl folks with their none branded multi coloured garish leathers and horrid noisy multi cylinder bikes until the signal is given for the mass exodus - either the sun is dipping, and unfortunately HD have not yet started to sell "Live to Ride" lights that actually bloody work so you can see your way home at night or their is a spot of rain - and no HD rider worth his salt will ride in the wet - think of all those hours spent polishing wasted.....

So there you go - the whole Hardley-Movingson raison d'etre in a few phrases. I do hope that they will buy anything that says "Live to Ride" on it - I just found a Gen U Ine "Live to Ride" tin and I am going to have a TomTit in it and then sell it on ebay....

[Samray]

[Viking]

Top marks, my good man. That's bloody brilliant.

[Falcopops]