A little Peter Kay humour

[Falcomille]

Sorry, cut & paste from my emails so excuse the >>>'s

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with'Guess' on it.I said 'Thyroid
> problem?'
>
> 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
> realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him
> to forgive me.
>
> 3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
> swimming.
>
> 4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
> with my real ladder.
>
> 5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
> French Toast during the Renaissance.
>
> 6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston
> Bypass.Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
>
> 7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
> one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my
> bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From there on it was
> sticks and stones all the way.
>
> 8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
> he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
>
> 9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better
> have a good hand.
>
> 10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
> 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
>
> 11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
> meat?
>
> 12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
> the wrong answers.
>
> 13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither
>
> 14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
> they don't understand, such as working for a living.
>
> 15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
>
> 16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
> forgotten this before
>
> PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
>
> 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
>
> 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
>
> 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
> pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
>
> 4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
>
> 5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
> fire in your back garden.
>
> 6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
>
> 7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
>
> 8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
>
> 9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
> first given opportunity.
>
> 10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
> through and then raced against the flush.
>
> 11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
>
> 12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
>
> 13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
>
> 14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
>
> 15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
> arm broken by a swan.
>
> 16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
> specifically to stir paint with.
>
> 17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
> fruit salad.
>
> SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
>
>
> 1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
>
> 2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
> core of the earth?
>
> 3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>
> 4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
>
> 5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
> stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
>
> 6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
>
> 7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
>
> 8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
> centuries' have a 'use by' date?
>
> 9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
> crisp no one would eat?
>
> 10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
>
> 11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,'I think I'll squeeze
> these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
>
> 12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
>
> 13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
> point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
>
> 14) What do you call male ballerinas?
>
> 15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
>
> 16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
>
> 17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
> vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
>
> 18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
> stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
> paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

[Samray]

There's no such thing as a new joke but he always manages to make em fresh.

[Kwackerz]

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Hmm. I use a large flatpoint screwdriver. That way I can open the lid AND stir it.

Knowing my luck so does He.