Long live John Cleese

[Gio]

A Message from John Cleese to the Citizens of the United States of
> > > America.
> > >
> > > "In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the
> > > USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
> > > revocation
> >
> > > of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty
> > > Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
> > > commonwealths and territories (excepting Kansas; which she does
> > > not fancy).
> > > Your new Prime Minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
> > > America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
> > > Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next
> > > year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the
> > > transition to a
> >
> > > British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
> > > immediate effect;
> > >
> > > You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary
> > > Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You
> > > will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
> > > The letter U will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
> > > neighbour. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
> > > skipping half the letters and the suffix "ize" will be replaced with "ise".
> > >
> > > Generally you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to an
> > > acceptable level - look up vocabulary. Using the same 27 words
> > > interspersed with filler noises - such as 'like' and 'you know' -
> > > is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is
> > > no
> > such thing as US English.
> > > We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
> > > spell-checker
> >
> > > will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and
> > > the elimination of 'ize'.
> > >
> > > You will relearn your original national anthem. God Save The Queen.
> > >
> > > July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn
> > > to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
> > > therapists. The
> >
> > > fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you
> > > are not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
> > > handled by
> > adults.
> > > If you are not adult enough to sort things out without suing
> > > someone or speaking to a therapist then you are not grown up
> > > enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed
> > > to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A
> > > permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
> > >
> > > All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
> > > your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
> > > what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
> > > and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At
> > > the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and
> > > without the benefit
> >
> > > of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help
> > > you understand the British sense of humour.
> > >
> > > The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> > > calling gasoline) and pay roughly $6/US Gallon. Get used to it!
> > > You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
> > > fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
> > > potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
> > > fried in animal fat and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
> > >
> > > The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
> > > actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
> > > be referred to a beer and European brews of known and accepted
> > > provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be
> > > referred to as near-frozen gnats urine, so that all can be sold
> > > without risk of
> > further confusion.
> > >
> > > Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
> > > good
> >
> > > guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
> > > play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
> > > dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
> > > having ones ears removed with a cheese grater.
> > >
> > > You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
> > > of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
> > > will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which has some
> > > similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping
> > > for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
> > >
> > > Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
> > > host an event called 'The World Series' for a game that is not
> > > played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
> > > there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
> > >
> > > You must tell us who killed JFK. It has been driving us mad.
> > >
> > > An internal revenue agent (i.e. Tax Collector) from Her majesties
> > > Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of
> > > all monies due (back dated to 1776).
> > >
> > > Thank you for your co-operation.

[falcomunky]

[paddyz1]

That was so funny. I have stolen it and put it up on the RBB AF1 site

[Falcopops]