50 shades.....

[Aladinsaneuk]

.....of Lowestoft:

As he approached me with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was dole day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight."

"It was Dwayne's birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His favourite position was ......what he called The Dogs of War. Where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time."

"Our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange. As I rubbed his whiter than white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for I love you"

"As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind QD. He had tied up his Staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn't be disturbed. Bob the tramp was watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same."

[fatboy]

[slickliner6]

Hang on...........

I like lynx africa but I ain't from Lowestoft teehee