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nicketynoo
Clubman Racer
Clubman Racer
Posts: 285
Joined: Wed Jan 09, 2013 11:43 am
Location: SCUNTHORPE

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#1 Post by nicketynoo » Thu Dec 18, 2014 6:24 am

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
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Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata.
It's a double dip recession.
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A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
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63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed..The police are blaming AL IKEA .
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Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
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Police stop a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway.
Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says:
"Hear that........3 of you have got to get out!"
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Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
"Bollocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
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Paddy says to Mick,
"Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said,
"Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
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My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house.
Turns out she was a slovak.
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Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
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I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
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Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate.
When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
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Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive
for WD40.
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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ..
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......
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Just a reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots......
Your One Year Manufacturer's warranty Runs Out Soon.
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Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...... One's in a korma.......
The other's got a dodgy tikka!
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In the first few days of the Olympics, eastern europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
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Sailing results are in:
USA took gold, GB took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth
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An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan.
He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats!
It's doing well!
Prophets are going through the roof!
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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband:
'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
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An elderly couple are in church.
About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband,
'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
I don't care if you lick windows,
Take the special bus
Or occasionally pee on yourself.
You hang in there sunshine, you're special!

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