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You know your getting old when you're going to bed at the time you used to be going out on the drink and getting up at the time you used to get back

You know you're getting old when "happy hour" is an afternoon nap

I have asked that my mates take me to the bottom of the garden with a cigarette and a can of petrol if I ever start to exhibit that sort of behaviour.

Can of petrol ? .... you must have rich mates ....