Conundrum

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MartDude · #1 Post by **MartDude** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 8:50 pm

Warning - if you're offended by conversations about bowels and bottoms, don't read this.

I'd be grateful if any who've been in this position (see below) could advise me.

Next week I have an appointment for a colonoscopy. To prepare for this, starting the previous evening, I have to take several doses of what seems to be a particularly potent laxative; apparently, not only will the world fall out of my bottom, but also the rest of the solar system, if not the entire galaxy.

Now, the hospital is 40 miles away - a good hour's journey on our roads.

How does one accomplish such a journey in reasonable comfort, maintaining, as far as possible, one's desired level of personal hygiene, when one's digestive tract is doing its best to emulate Vesuvius?

#2 Post by **Kwackerz** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 8:53 pm

Get a lift in a builder's van, sit in the back on a bucket?

Aladinsaneuk · #3 Post by **Aladinsaneuk** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 8:55 pm

picolax by chance?

i will call you tomorrow mate

BikerGran · #4 Post by **BikerGran** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 8:59 pm

I can speak with authority on this subject as I've been there!

If you follow the instructions, by the time you set off to go to the hospital there will not be a problem as there will be NOTHING left in your insides.

**Having just re-read your post, I see that it says "starting the previous evening" - when I did this, I had to go on a strange diet for the day before I started taking the stuff, which consisted of almost nothing but clear soup, and I'm sure I had to start the lazative stuff sooner than the evening before - so I'm not sure if my post above will apply - but I know that's the general idea, that there will be absolute zero in your innards. Maybe you should double check with the hospital that the instructions are correct?

BikerGran · #5 Post by **BikerGran** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 8:59 pm

PS hope all's well - mine was!

#6 Post by **mangocrazy** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 9:00 pm

Perhaps start taking the doses earlier than recommended so that it has a chance to work its way through prior to the journey? This does mean a longer time spent feeling ravenously hungry, of course.

I can also guarantee you'll be farting like a trooper after the colonoscopy. They inflate your bowel so that the fibre optic camera has an easier passage through, and after the event you will do a wonderful impression of Marty Fartpants...

MartDude · #7 Post by **MartDude** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 9:00 pm

Kwackerz wrote:Get a lift in a builder's van, sit in the back on a bucket?

Thank you, but

Samray · #8 Post by **Samray** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 9:00 pm

I remember a similar thread somewhere on the site.

D-Rider · #9 Post by **D-Rider** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 9:01 pm

Mart - I have no experience of this to help you ..... and I know it's no laughing matter ..... but (accidental pun) ......

MartDude wrote:Warning - if you're offended by conversations about bowels and bottoms, don't read this.

I'd be grateful if any who've been in this position (see below)

(I'd sooner not if it's all the same to you ........)

MartDude · #10 Post by **MartDude** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 9:03 pm

BikerGran wrote:I can speak with authority on this subject as I've been there!

If you follow the instructions, by the time you set off to go to the hospital there will not be a problem as there will be NOTHING left in your insides.

**Having just re-read your post, I see that it says "starting the previous evening" - when I did this, I had to go on a strange diet for the day before I started taking the stuff, which consisted of almost nothing but clear soup, and I'm sure I had to start the lazative stuff sooner than the evening before - so I'm not sure if my post above will apply - but I know that's the general idea, that there will be absolute zero in your innards. Maybe you should double check with the hospital that the instructions are correct?

Thanks, Bobbi, I've been given similar dietary instructions. 1st. dose at 5.00 pm. Sounds pretty much the same.

MartDude · #11 Post by **MartDude** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 9:12 pm

mangocrazy wrote: I can also guarantee you'll be farting like a trooper after the colonoscopy. They inflate your bowel so that the fibre optic camera has an easier passage through, and after the event you will do a wonderful impression of Marty Fartpants...

Yes, there's always a silver lining.

I had a sigmoidoscopy (dress rehearsal for this) a couple of years ago, so I'm familiar with the compressed air scenario. It wasn't the uncontrollable farting that bothered me, so much as the accompanying expulsions of KY jelly in aerosol form. Note to self - don't wear white trousers.

#12 Post by **mangocrazy** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 9:24 pm

MartDude wrote:It wasn't the uncontrollable farting that bothered me, so much as the accompanying expulsions of KY jelly in aerosol form. Note to self - don't wear white trousers.

Yes - KY jelly in mist/droplet form under pressure could be quite useful. Do you have any box sections of the car that need rustproofing? It would be cheaper than Waxoyl...

Aladinsaneuk · #13 Post by **Aladinsaneuk** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 9:34 pm

perhaps having pork roast on a blazing hot day at a bike meet could have the same effect?

(Phone the x ray department where you are having it done and see if there is any flexibility - also, pm me with the regime that they have prescribed - i will be able too tell you what lee way you can have....)

MartDude · #14 Post by **MartDude** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 10:01 pm

PM sent. Many thanks.

Falcopops · #15 Post by **Falcopops** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 10:40 pm

http://www.singletrackworld.com/2009/02 ... d-returns/

I believe this is the story that some people will have read, it is long, but 'kin hilarious. Although Mart may not find quite so funny, it does give you an insight into the devastation that is about to befall your nether regions and some good warnings

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