Getting Older Every Day.....
Posted: Wed Feb 21, 2007 11:02 pm
I woke to a scream – my own scream
I had been having a lovely dream, involving the Olsen twins, a deserted lakeside Jacuzzi and beer being served on by Kylie Minogue wearing nothing but a smile.
The dream had been fractured by a sudden pain in my chest. I knew it was not a heart attack – Old Fiery Breath has been calling me a heartless bastard for so long I fear she may be right – but what had caused my sudden yelp of pain??
I cracked open an eyelid, and there she sat – smiling from ear to ear.
It scares me when she smiles – I know that if she is smiling, I am in trouble. Thinking fast I decided on the offensive – I may yet get lucky
“Why Good morning sugar – are you feeling well – refreshed and with no head ache?”
The smile stayed but there was a hint of a snarl creeping in….
“Forget it – I have to go to work, and I am having cereal for breakfast – so I don’t need to use your amorous intentions as an egg timer….”
“And in case you were wondering what made you scream, it was me – I saw a grey hair on your chest so I plucked it out…”
I am not hirsute – part of me believes that this proves I am further down from the trees than other men, but the down side has always been a distinct lack of body hair. I have never wanted the Burt Reynold’s chest wig look, but something more than the paltry smattering I do have would be good.
(How paltry – well, until my mid twenties I looked on my three chest hairs – Charles, Henry and Thomas as I called them, as old friends – I cherished them, and in an effort to make them reproduce I religiously checked every day to note any signs of them becoming Charlene, Henrietta or Thomasina and starting to breed…)
By thirty some things had changed – and though not respectable, things were getting better. Aged thirty eight – Old Fiery Breath was wantonly plucking them out, all because they were going grey.
GOING SODDING GREY!
What??
This was a major shock to my psyche. I had noticed this summer that I seemed to have some natural blonde highlights from the sun, and in certain lights these highlights were sort of steel coloured, but had thought nothing of it – though I was starting to consider colouring my hair a nice soft muted brown to embellish my own natural soft brown hair colour, but – chest hair going grey….
I looked at Old Fiery Breath – as I looked I knew I resembled a startled rabbit staring into the headlights of an onrushing truck.
The silence was palpable – then she grinned.
“I did only notice the one on your chest – I could not see any others – but maybe your pubes ….?”
Oh god… this was a nightmare. Puberty had been rough enough, with out growing old disgracefully grey.
Old Fiery Breath was enjoying herself now:
“And as you have always said, the hairs on your ball sack are the longest hairs on the human body – when ever I have plucked them out your eyes have watered…”
I hung my head in shame – I knew it was going to be a bad day – what had started off as an interesting little session chez Olsen twins was rapidly becoming a nightmare.
“Ooooo – stay like that – I can check to see if you have any bald spots….”
Stifling a sob I jumped out of bed and headed for the shower. Admittedly I did spend some time examining myself all over, looking for any other signs of grey. Somewhat relieved I dried off, put a dressing gown on and headed downstairs to watch Old Fiery Breath eat breakfast.
(Not a sight for the faint hearted either – full English with a side order of cholesterol).
Instead of my normal breakfast being ready for me – a pint pot of coffee and an Small waste receptacle, in my place was a thimble of some orange muck, and a bottle of multi vitamins…. I looked at it in silence and raised an inquisitive eyebrow to Old Fiery Breath who was reading a medical text book.
“Am just checking to see if you should be taking an aspirin at your age – and drink your orange juice – it’s good for you”.
I don’t do orange juice. Actually I don’t do any juice, with the possible exception of grape juice – and only then when it has been fermented properly.
I could see I was on to a loser here – something was up, and I was going to pay
“Ok my little nest of vipers – what gives with the sudden interest in my health?”
“Well, my own little balding avenger, I was thinking last night about starting a family…”
(Under my dressing gown Percy the Talking Penis started to pay attention and considered rearing his ugly head to have a good look around like a deranged Cyclops…)
The withering gaze ensured that he lay down very bloody fast….
“And I was reading this article in Cosmopolitan about old men and sperm motility – and I thought that if we were to start a family, we had better ensure that your sperm are fit and active… not wheezing around on Zimmer frames – so I thought to get you fit while we still can.”
I sat at the table stunned – my mind crowded with images of grey haired sperm using walking sticks and Zimmer frames…. This nightmare was getting worse. I was even more stunned as I started to light my breakfast and Old Fiery Breath’s trotter, sorry hand, shot out like a striking snake to knock the cigarette to the floor
“Smoking will make you look older – and will affect everything else as well”
“But… but….” I puttered “I did not know we were going to start a family… and if we do decide to start a family, then we will have to play “Mister Wobbly hides his helmet” a lot more….”
Old Fiery Breath stopped gnawing on the pig’s knuckle she had been chewing on, and fixed me with a steely gaze
“When I decide we are going to start a family, everything will be right so I will fall pregnant straight away with the minimum of hassle and failed attempts.”
Well – that said it all. I had been shocked to find out I was getting old, and then this little bombshell had landed.
“And you can forget about that car you wanted to buy – a porsche is not a suitable vehicle for a young baby. (I did think of asking her if she was going to get a baby seat for her broomstick, but I thought better of it). And while we are on it as well, you will have to stop playing golf – we can’t afford that as well as buying baby clothes and everything else that we will need.
“Hmmm Flower…. Babies take nine months to come out you know…”
“Yes – but during that nine months, I will need more clothes… and shoes… and accessories – and in my delicate condition you will have to come with me to carry everything I buy…”
“Oh – by the way – you had better start clearing out that junk from your study – I have decided it will make an ideal nursery”
I think I had a small speck of sentiment forming in each eye by this time – my world was imploding very fast.
We went and got dressed – her to go to work, me to go the local town to do some shopping.
I drove into the town quietly, musing on the sudden change that life had brought me.
I wandered into the store, and waited patiently to be served.
“What would you like sir”
“Erm – I need some of that hair stuff, that covers grey hair… it’s for a friend of mine – he thinks he may need it…”
I could hear my voice getting softer as the young girl behind the counter stared at me as she silently handed me a product
“And … uh… does this work on just head hair or does it work on any hair??”
She raised an eyebrow, and almost looked pityingly at me
“Anything else sir?”
“Yeah…. A large box of condoms please…”
I had been having a lovely dream, involving the Olsen twins, a deserted lakeside Jacuzzi and beer being served on by Kylie Minogue wearing nothing but a smile.
The dream had been fractured by a sudden pain in my chest. I knew it was not a heart attack – Old Fiery Breath has been calling me a heartless bastard for so long I fear she may be right – but what had caused my sudden yelp of pain??
I cracked open an eyelid, and there she sat – smiling from ear to ear.
It scares me when she smiles – I know that if she is smiling, I am in trouble. Thinking fast I decided on the offensive – I may yet get lucky
“Why Good morning sugar – are you feeling well – refreshed and with no head ache?”
The smile stayed but there was a hint of a snarl creeping in….
“Forget it – I have to go to work, and I am having cereal for breakfast – so I don’t need to use your amorous intentions as an egg timer….”
“And in case you were wondering what made you scream, it was me – I saw a grey hair on your chest so I plucked it out…”
I am not hirsute – part of me believes that this proves I am further down from the trees than other men, but the down side has always been a distinct lack of body hair. I have never wanted the Burt Reynold’s chest wig look, but something more than the paltry smattering I do have would be good.
(How paltry – well, until my mid twenties I looked on my three chest hairs – Charles, Henry and Thomas as I called them, as old friends – I cherished them, and in an effort to make them reproduce I religiously checked every day to note any signs of them becoming Charlene, Henrietta or Thomasina and starting to breed…)
By thirty some things had changed – and though not respectable, things were getting better. Aged thirty eight – Old Fiery Breath was wantonly plucking them out, all because they were going grey.
GOING SODDING GREY!
What??
This was a major shock to my psyche. I had noticed this summer that I seemed to have some natural blonde highlights from the sun, and in certain lights these highlights were sort of steel coloured, but had thought nothing of it – though I was starting to consider colouring my hair a nice soft muted brown to embellish my own natural soft brown hair colour, but – chest hair going grey….
I looked at Old Fiery Breath – as I looked I knew I resembled a startled rabbit staring into the headlights of an onrushing truck.
The silence was palpable – then she grinned.
“I did only notice the one on your chest – I could not see any others – but maybe your pubes ….?”
Oh god… this was a nightmare. Puberty had been rough enough, with out growing old disgracefully grey.
Old Fiery Breath was enjoying herself now:
“And as you have always said, the hairs on your ball sack are the longest hairs on the human body – when ever I have plucked them out your eyes have watered…”
I hung my head in shame – I knew it was going to be a bad day – what had started off as an interesting little session chez Olsen twins was rapidly becoming a nightmare.
“Ooooo – stay like that – I can check to see if you have any bald spots….”
Stifling a sob I jumped out of bed and headed for the shower. Admittedly I did spend some time examining myself all over, looking for any other signs of grey. Somewhat relieved I dried off, put a dressing gown on and headed downstairs to watch Old Fiery Breath eat breakfast.
(Not a sight for the faint hearted either – full English with a side order of cholesterol).
Instead of my normal breakfast being ready for me – a pint pot of coffee and an Small waste receptacle, in my place was a thimble of some orange muck, and a bottle of multi vitamins…. I looked at it in silence and raised an inquisitive eyebrow to Old Fiery Breath who was reading a medical text book.
“Am just checking to see if you should be taking an aspirin at your age – and drink your orange juice – it’s good for you”.
I don’t do orange juice. Actually I don’t do any juice, with the possible exception of grape juice – and only then when it has been fermented properly.
I could see I was on to a loser here – something was up, and I was going to pay
“Ok my little nest of vipers – what gives with the sudden interest in my health?”
“Well, my own little balding avenger, I was thinking last night about starting a family…”
(Under my dressing gown Percy the Talking Penis started to pay attention and considered rearing his ugly head to have a good look around like a deranged Cyclops…)
The withering gaze ensured that he lay down very bloody fast….
“And I was reading this article in Cosmopolitan about old men and sperm motility – and I thought that if we were to start a family, we had better ensure that your sperm are fit and active… not wheezing around on Zimmer frames – so I thought to get you fit while we still can.”
I sat at the table stunned – my mind crowded with images of grey haired sperm using walking sticks and Zimmer frames…. This nightmare was getting worse. I was even more stunned as I started to light my breakfast and Old Fiery Breath’s trotter, sorry hand, shot out like a striking snake to knock the cigarette to the floor
“Smoking will make you look older – and will affect everything else as well”
“But… but….” I puttered “I did not know we were going to start a family… and if we do decide to start a family, then we will have to play “Mister Wobbly hides his helmet” a lot more….”
Old Fiery Breath stopped gnawing on the pig’s knuckle she had been chewing on, and fixed me with a steely gaze
“When I decide we are going to start a family, everything will be right so I will fall pregnant straight away with the minimum of hassle and failed attempts.”
Well – that said it all. I had been shocked to find out I was getting old, and then this little bombshell had landed.
“And you can forget about that car you wanted to buy – a porsche is not a suitable vehicle for a young baby. (I did think of asking her if she was going to get a baby seat for her broomstick, but I thought better of it). And while we are on it as well, you will have to stop playing golf – we can’t afford that as well as buying baby clothes and everything else that we will need.
“Hmmm Flower…. Babies take nine months to come out you know…”
“Yes – but during that nine months, I will need more clothes… and shoes… and accessories – and in my delicate condition you will have to come with me to carry everything I buy…”
“Oh – by the way – you had better start clearing out that junk from your study – I have decided it will make an ideal nursery”
I think I had a small speck of sentiment forming in each eye by this time – my world was imploding very fast.
We went and got dressed – her to go to work, me to go the local town to do some shopping.
I drove into the town quietly, musing on the sudden change that life had brought me.
I wandered into the store, and waited patiently to be served.
“What would you like sir”
“Erm – I need some of that hair stuff, that covers grey hair… it’s for a friend of mine – he thinks he may need it…”
I could hear my voice getting softer as the young girl behind the counter stared at me as she silently handed me a product
“And … uh… does this work on just head hair or does it work on any hair??”
She raised an eyebrow, and almost looked pityingly at me
“Anything else sir?”
“Yeah…. A large box of condoms please…”
).