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Little 5 year old girl daisy sees a group of workmen turn up next door to build a house. She takes an interest and starts talking to them. The builders with hearts of gold adopt her as their site mascot. After a week they give her a pink hard hat and gloves. They also give her a wage packet with £5 in it.
"Goodness" says mummy smiling
"Are you working there next week"
Daisy says
"I think so mummy provided those cunts at Jewson deliver the fucking bricks".

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STUN GUN (Only a guy would do this!)


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock.

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid".

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SIXTEEN REASONS WHY WORKING IN MCDONALDS IS BETTER THAN WORKING IN THE ROYAL NAVY.

1. Better uniform.
2. More medals and people respect them, as they show that you can do your job.
3. Free food, properly cooked.
4. Promotion on ability.
5. The average McDonalds is in the middle of town, not the south western approaches.
6. When children have tantrums, it is because they are under 12.
7. McDonalds do not pretend that they are ‘Investing In People’.
8. Superior supply system.
9. Shagging the manageress is not a crime.
10. Only the customers are called ‘Sir’.
11. McDonalds only has one clown.
12. You can fuck off and join Burger King at a moment’s notice.
13. Ronald McDonald has the decency to smile whilst shafting you.
14. The arseholes are in the burgers, not the staff cars.
15. They don’t care if your twenty minutes late for the morning now and then.
16. When you have to work after secure you get paid more.

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A Welsh man walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Welsh man shouts "paid a yfed y dwr mae'r gwartheg yn cachi yn y dwr" (DON'T DRINK THE WATER IT'S FUL OF COW SHIT). The man shouts back " I'm English i don't understand". The Welsh man shouts back " use both hands you'll get more in"

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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually The Archangel Gabriel found him on the seventh day
resting.
He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'
God pointed downwards through the clouds. 'Look Gabriel, look what I've made.'
Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'
'Balance?' enquired Gabriel, still confused.
God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,
'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor;
the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'
God continued, pointing to the different countries.
This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'

'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians.
The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of wankers I'm putting down South!"

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I went round to a mate of mine's the other night. His grandad was asleep in an armchair.

While we were talking, his grandad started shouting in his sleep

"Jerry! Jerry's going over the top! Over the top! The front! Up at the front tonight! Jerry's going over the top!"

I said to my mate "I didn't know your grandad fought in the trenches!"

He said "He didn't. He used to play the drums in The Pacemakers."



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Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some tw*t is going to walk by,put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious WELSHMAN walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad VALLEYS accent asked 'What are you selling' in y'ere boys?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the TAFFY said, 'You are doing well, Only two left!'

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Teacher says give me a sentence with Marvelous in it twice.

Mary says '' i have a marvelous little pussy cat that does marvelous twitches with its likkle nose,

Susie says ''i have a pet dog that is marvelous and can do some marvelous tricks,

Johnny says ''my 14 year old sister told my dad last night that she was pregnant and my dad said, marvelous fookin marvelous

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A teacher was in the classroom when she asked the children to make up a sentence with the word contagious in it.

All the children put up their hands including Jimmy but the teacher ignored him on purpose.

Sarah said " Miss my sister had chickenpox and we had to be careful in case it was contagious"

Excellent well done Sarah.

Julie said " Miss my rabbit had a disease and we had to be careful in case it was contagious"

Well done said the teacher.
Little Jimmy still had his hand up so the teacher went to him.

Jimmy said " Miss me and my dad was walking down the town the other day when we saw a man creosoting a fence with a toothbrush, my dad said it will take that cunt ages"

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Woman gets on a bus with her new born baby.
Driver retorts "Fook me that's one ugly baby."
The woman is visibly shaken and goes and sits down at the rear of the bus.
The man next to her asks "What's wrong?"
She replies "That bus driver has just insulted me. I've a good mind to go down there and give him a piece of my mind."
The man says "Go on then love, i'll hold your monkey."

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Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she was a married woman.

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you £100 if you let me have you."

The girl refused, so Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her husband. So she
called her husband and told him the story. Her husband said, "Ask him for £200 but pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his trousers down." So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the husband is still waiting for his wife to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the husband calls and asked what happened.

"The bastard used £1 coins," the wife replied.

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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too, I want to see how you live on £800 a year."

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