A military theme..

[Kwackerz]

AMENDMENT TO TFH STANDING ORDERS
ACTIONS ON IED

1.HOUSEHOLD CAVALRY
Regard IED with haughty disdain and rustle 'Daily Telegraph' angily. Maintain presence of IED in Knightsbridge is 'Absoloutely proposterous'. Return to regimental main effort of guarding Central London from the roundheads.
2.CAVALRY
Declare IED as best thing since 'Tinned Champagne'. Hold Impromptu Pimms party to celebrate. Declare subsequent IED detonation as even more 'Wizard Prang!', extend Pimms party and incorporate mandatory drinking of champagne from remains of IED as regimental custom for next 300 years.
3. FOOTGUARDS
Reduce words-of-command and halting in quick time to a minimum. Deploy No.1 fatigue party in close-order to polish IED to acceptable standard, followed by No.2 fatigue party to paint IED blue-red-blue and swab immediate area. IED detonated by massed bands. Deploy 2X Battalions worth of fatigue parties to swab resulting mess.
4.ARMOURED INFANTRY
Fail to see IED. Crush IED. On realising error, detract attention by initiating faked contact against nearest dwelling using all available weapon systems. Hide IED remains in sidebin.
5.LIGHT-ROLE INFANTRY
Find IED. Dail to findd solution to IED due to environmental differences to Salisbury Plain. Attempt cordon operationand set a new world record for miles of mine tape used. Withdraw to JOB Bastion under cover of mine tape.
6. AIRBORNE FORCES
Decide IED is a 'HAT'. Deploy most junior paratrooper to 'Crack the hat's skull'. Call the junior paratrooper a 'HAT' when he gets blown up by IED. Remind all others that they are 'HATS' because they weren't there.
7.ROYAL MARINES
Declare the IED is 'HOOFING'. Get junior marines naked with the IED as initiation. Turn IED into an improvised free weight for bench pressing. Indent for extra supplementary rations from the 'GALLEY' ...Hoofing
8.SAS
Deploy bearded men 200km behind IED using HALO-Landrover-Submarine insertion. Tab into area of IED and capture IED alive. Smuggle IED out in a burkhaand extract to the UK. Write a book per team member, each with wildly differing account of the OP.
9.SBS
Get into black rubber suits. Steal IED as above. Construct black rubber suit for IED. Move to a special swimming pooland do bad, bad things with black-rubber-coated IED. Turn on wave machine and let things get properly nasty. Be very grateful for for UKSF non-disclosure policy.
10.SRR
Dig hole in ground to hide in. Proceed to watch IED for 10 days to make association with Bravos. Divert entire brigade assets onto tasking. Manage to maintain dignity when informed three weeks later that it's a small rock and not an IED.
11.ROYAL ARTILLERY
Level entire area ten square kilometers around IED. IED still functional. Repeatedly remind everyone that artillery neutralises and doesn't destroy. Create promotional video of IED neutralisation with images of Apache and accompanying Tina Turner soundtrack.
12.MEDICAL CORPS
Send out a fit hottie to chat-up IED. Fit hottie lightly dabs a damp cloth over the IED to keep it cool and offers reassuring words. Ends up sleeping with IED before announcing undying love and marrying it. IED later detonates when it catches her in bed with Irish Guardsman.
13.CHAPLAIN CORPS
Approach IED preaching about The Lord, oblivious to having entered a come-on. Rounds fromnearby insurgents pass over and around the Padre without harming him. IED attempts to detonate and fails as some mysterious force prevents it from engaging. IED is later found giving sermons to scared soldiers new into theatre.
14.ROYAL ENGINEERS
Destroy IED using charge with 10-times explosive content of the IED. Build SQN bar in crater. Use second massive charge to blow second crater in which to build & celebrate opening of SQN bar/gym complex with BBQ's every night for the rest of the tour. IED appears on next SQN T-Shirt.
15.ROYAL SIGNALS
IED Self destructs to avoid WESTLANDS BOWMANISATION.