Useful travel tips when visiting England
1. MONEY
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to
the pub but I haven"t got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what
was once called a shilling, the equivalent of seventeen cents American.
2. MAKING FRIENDS
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a great "tosser" -
he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative
people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your
acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.
3. CUSTOMS
Since their Labour government whole-heartedly embraced full union with
Europe the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental
customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a three-hour siesta,
which they call a "w*nk". As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is
not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there
due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply
apologise and explain that you were having a w*nk - everyone will
understand and forgive you.
4. RELAXING
One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed
boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of
the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but
there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a
professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging
and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be
treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good
idea to buy a can of Mazola and have it on you when you ask directions to the
yerinals. Thatway people will know you are an experienced cottager.
5. FOOD AND WINE
British cuisine enjoys a well-deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust
dollar,the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a
week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon w*nk
for).
Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the
UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's
seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant,
tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he baulks at your request,
custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is
boss.
Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he
may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British
wines. If he does not, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes
grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia - try an Ely '84 or
Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it
will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you
plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the
restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
6. TRANSPORTATION
Public taxis are subsidised by Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in
London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver
tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not" then grab the
nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined. It is rarely
necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make
detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the
heavy gold-coloured coins are "pence"), and state your destination
clearly to the driver, e.g. "Please take me to the British Library." A
driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't
go to your requested destination. Ignore him, he is only teasing the American
tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!). For those
travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most
economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in
Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some
tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the
platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians.
Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the
large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into
London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved
impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you
should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have
ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback
to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.
7. AIRPORTS
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an International
Jewish peace organisation - the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy
travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority
treatment as you make your way through customs. Safe travels and Bon Voyage!
Travel Advice for Americans
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